The gnome is fed up. He wants some new clothes. If you get them for him he’ll consider talking to you some more.
“OMG GUNKY, DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND DECENT CLOTHES MY SIZE? IF YOU WILL GET ME A PURPLE LEISURE SUIT, SILVER CANE, AND A PURPLE MINK COAT I MIGHT TELL YOU HOW TO GET MORE CHICKS AND ALSO HOW TO KICK ZOMBIE ASS!”
“Follow me” says Ruby. You follow her behind the spa where theres a gnome. Ruby says something in… well some language you dont know. Then the gnome speaks “Hello Goopy I heard you need help” You look at Ruby questionly. “Follow me Gunky.” You follow her somewhere youve never been. She holds hands with you “The gnome is magic he talks if you promise him something in return and… Gunky I really like you.” She gives you a kiss… on the lips. Girlfriend #6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ruby comes into the room and starts talking, but you can’t understand a word she’s saying.
“Aexer ici caneta Dord?”
“HELLO GOOPY! DO NOT RETURN WITHOUT MY PHAT PURPLE SUIT!”
“Brahfer geti mu!”
Everything is spinning and there’s lots of colors and you think you might puke, but then Ruby stops speaking in strange tongues and starts…doing things in strange tongues.
You’re grooving with it and forgetting all about the zombies and the gnome and everything when something hard and cold hits your cheek.
“Gunky, there’s zombies outside. Wake up and help us get out of here before I take this lotion and pour it up your butt.”
Iliana is standing over the bed, looking solid and not very spinny. She’s squishing her lips all close together again. You really wish she’d stop doing that. It’s not attractive at all.
“But the gnome…and Ruby…”
“Yeah, Gunky. There’s no gnome and Ruby is insane. While you were in here tripping on your precious lotion she told us she wears the helmet to protect her brain from the Rainbow Kitty Attack god. Apparently it sends her messages and tells her to kill people. Are you listening, Gunky? The girl has a rainbow kitty voice in her head that tells her to kill people.”
“You’re just jealous ’cause she’s cuter than you and doesn’t do the mouth thing.”
Iliana does the mouth thing times a million and stomps out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
You get up. Your legs are all wobbly and you feel a bit sick. And okay, so the kiss with Ruby was a lotion-induced fantasy and not real. It’s okay. You will kiss her for real soon. Oh yes, you will.
You flex your arms and admire your shiny abs. Who’s the rainbow kitty attack god now? Yeah, you are. That’s right.
Ego fluffed and not at all bruised, you walk out into the reception area of the spa. Ruby is standing by herself in the middle of the room, singing.
rainbow kitties frolic in the meadow
magic gnomes play in the sun
Attack attack kill kill DEATH ALSO FIRE
You swagger up to her, your abs shiny and toxic. Ooh hey, if you could get her to touch them maybe she’d absorb some of the lotion and she could get some sweet spinny rainbow kitty colors going too.
“Hey baby, how you doin’?”
“You have displeased the gnome, Gunky. The gnome is not happy with you. Not at all. You must undergo the Ritual of Rainbow Flower Attack Hat to be absolved of this stain on your glitteriness.”
Where can you get a helmet like that? It would totally go with the pink skull pants of love. And maybe it’s even lined with tinfoil — you know, to stop the book taking over your brain and stuff.
Her mouth is so pretty and full and not at all like Iliana’s. You watch it move. Pretty sounds are coming out of it but you can’t really focus. Things are still a bit spinny and colorful.
Your eyes move upward and you stare at her helmet for a bit. So pretty and pink. Mmm, pretty pink flowers.
You vaguely remember Iliana saying something about the helmet and how it stopped voices. Could it maybe stop the Top 10 Ways To Repel Those Awful Green Smelly Zombies Who Want Your Nice Juicy Eyes book from violating your mind and making you do strange things? Also the pink would go well with the pants.
You look down at your pants, comparing the pink skulls to the helmet’s pink flowers. Yeah dude, that’d be so manly and awesome. Ruby would fall into your arms and kiss you for real if you could just get a helmet like hers.
“That sure is a nice helmet there, Ruby. Do you think you could find me one like it?”
“The hat is death! The hat is fire! The hat is all alone! The gnome says the hat is only for the pure! You must be cleansed! Rainbow kitty, attack!”
Ruby looks ready for the zombie-apocalypse with that helmet, maybe she has some nifty outfits for the other two as well? Having an army of potential girlfriends could be useful. Not that you’d need such things of course, you cut a much finer figure as leader without helmet-hair.
“Hey, whoa, it’s cool. I didn’t really want a helmet. It’d mess my hair all up.”
Yeah, that’s a good excuse. You don’t want Ruby to know that you are not pure. And you are definitely not pure. Not in any way, shape or manner.
You wonder what would happen if you put the helmet on. Would it maybe burst into flames? Best not to find out.
It could help protect Iliana and Victoria, though. Victoria is just a kid and you know Iliana’s pure as hell with that mouth problem she has.
Also, you sort of think you may have seen a zombie outside.
“Umm, do you have any spare helmets for the other girls?
“Did he just throw us to the rainbow kitty attack hat of Fire and Death and Aloneness?”
“Yeah, I think he did.”
Iliana is really doing the mouth thing now, going on and on about she ain’t gonna wear no pink hats of death and fire and utter and total isolation but whatever, she’s just ashamed of being pure.
And umm, that’s Aunt Matilda. Right there. Right outside the window.
“Uhh, guys? The zombies are sort of here and will be chewing on the walls in a few seconds and I think we should go now. We can worry about purity helmets later.”
Moans are coming from outside. Moans and terrible scratching and chewing noises.
““BRRRAAAIINNSSS!!!! BLLLOOOOODDD!!! NICE JUICY EYES!!!”
find out that girlfriend #2′s kid is also a zombie, and OOH OOH! Make the kid after his brains too!
You know that voice. Where have you heard it before? You strain your mind, trying to remember, trying to clear the spinny color fog.
Oh god. Oh god no.
Outside the window, little Grimy GilsCarbo is shuffling towards the door.
Author’s Note: We are open for suggestions. 🙂 Also, terribly sorry about how long it’s been. This was fun. The next one might be sooner, although of course I want to do 10.04 too and also a Farmer Brown story.
Also, Rainbow Kitty Attack is the name of the 2v2 arena team I play with my husband in World of Warcraft. He gave permission for use of the name. 🙂