Amanita

hello friends yes I am here

The darkness clears. I’m back in Otherworld, in the water. I can feel sand under my toes.

I’m okay. I’m okay.

I focus on my breathing. I know how to do this. Take deep slow breaths, and ride the panic down.

I can’t go back to Marigold. Not yet. I didn’t learn anything. Not anything that could help. I learned that out there somewhere, Seth and I had a daughter. Who I couldn’t keep safe, who died, screaming, in a fire. And then I don’t know what happened to me, but Seth…

That wasn’t my Seth. I try to tell myself that, as the panic rises again. That wasn’t my Seth.

I have to try again. I have to find another world. There has to be one out there where Seth is happy, where he’s okay, where the shadow has not touched him. There has to be a Sarah out there who figured things out, who kept everyone safe, who did things right.

I take a deep long breath, and I hold it. I know how this goes, now. I know the darkness is coming, and I know it’ll be okay, that it won’t last long, and then I will be somewhere else.

I dive back under the water.

I am the happies so much the happies yay yay yay omg

When I can see again, I am standing by a mailbox.

Mailboxes seem to be a thing.

This isn’t a normal mailbox, though. The trash can next to it looks familiar enough, but we don’t have sleek mailboxes like that in Moonlight Falls.

yay the happies!

We also don’t have trees like that in Moonlight Falls.

Last time I thought about Seth, about how he liked parks, and I found him in a park.

Maybe we are connected across realities. Maybe if I just think about him for a bit, something will guide me to him. And if that doesn’t work, I can always just follow those pipes.

Why on earth would there be pipes above ground like that?

what if I was not your only friend in this world?

The center line in the road glows with an eerie blue light. I’ve never seen anything like it before. I wonder what sort of vehicles travel on these roads? Maybe the pipes carry their fuel?

Where would Seth be in a world like this? I picture him in his blue cardigan, his glasses slowly slipping down his nose as he reads an ancient alchemy scroll. It’s adorable, how he pushes the glasses back up with his index finger without realizing he’s doing it. I love how he gets so absorbed in his work, reading and making notes and occasionally reaching out for the plates of waffles that I bring to him.

I think maybe he would be wherever the pipes lead.

Would you take me where you're going if you're never coming back?

The road is empty. Whatever vehicles travel along the glowing blue line, they’re not doing it today.

Will Seth be mad at me when I get home? I left the beetles roaming free around the kitchen, and I didn’t tell him where I was going.

Oh well. If he is, somehow I think he will forgive me if I tell him that I went on trips to other dimensions. I smile, thinking of how his eyes will light up, how he will want to know all about it, how it works, what I saw, what it felt like.

I wish he was here. My Seth. Not that wounded Seth from the last place. Not whatever Seth I will find here in this land of pipes and multicolored trees and street lights made of green glass in metal bowls. My Seth. Who will not be wounded, who will not be broken, who will not fall into the dark.

Because I am going to save him.

man, it was like...enlightenment this weekend, ya'll

He won’t be mad really, will he? I can explain and I can make it better, and he won’t be mad.

There are giant mushrooms in the distance.

This concerns me.

I have left the castle, and I have seen rejection and invalidation and a smear campaign, and I have been enlightened

The pipes go on and on and on. Perhaps they carry some sort of nutrients for the giant mushrooms. Or maybe they are a last attempt to keep the decaying matter that the mushrooms are feeding on alive.

I’m going to have to go up that very steep hill, aren’t I?

The mushrooms nod their heads at me. Yes, yes. We are all fungi here.

what's a god to a nonbeliever, who don't believe in anything

I do not like this place. It’s empty. So was the other reality, the one with the dead trees and the ruined park. There’s no one in these worlds, no one but Seth. Like the entire world is a creation of his mind, and it’s just him wandering around alone and lost in his own nightmare.

Am I even really here? Maybe I’m tripping on mushrooms, and really I’m still in Marigold’s wagon in Moonlight Falls. These giant mushrooms are just my subconscious trying to tell me what’s going on. And the pipes! I knew she was pumping something through the vents!

the whole secret is to realize that most other humans are really really incapable of thought

This hill feels very real though.

The fog pushes down on me. I push back.

and some of them especially are incapable of any sort of rational thought about other people

The pipes smell like death. I look up at the sky, expecting to see crows circling. But there’s nothing. No birds. No insects. No people. Just pipes and giant mushrooms and this neverending hill and the smell of death.

I try to breathe through my mouth.

Sarah what are you doing we have another world to go before Nightmare, Sarah stop

The pipes and the dry cracked dirt and the glowing blue line and the fog and the death smell, these things go on forever and ever amen.

I put one foot in front of the other. One step and then another and another, while the fog presses close against my skin.

Maybe this is my nightmare, not Seth’s.

and a scary amount of humans are incapable of empathy

Seth is the only person besides me in these worlds because he’s the only person in my world.

I am bare trees and ruined playgrounds, rusted pipes and giant mushrooms. I am stillness and silence. I am the odor of death.

And Seth?

Seth is a voice in a burned out structure. Seth is a faded man on a park bench. Seth is a constantly disappearing blue cardigan in a cave of ice.

Perhaps the next world will be the cave of ice. If so, I hope the small cave trolls are there, with their candles. I think I would feel more real and less like a dream if I could hear troll voices saying “You no take candle!” It would be better than this endless silence.

Sarah is become death, destroyer of worlds

I am at the top of the hill. Finally. The pipes end in an odd little square thing. I was expecting something big and impressive and worth walking for hours up an extremely steep hill for.

I’ve been here longer than I was in the other world. Maybe the fog allows me to stay until I find Seth, until I observe his nightmare or live mine.

There’s a structure up beyond the pipes. Up one more hill.

But I think my princess is in another castle.

I have an awesome cat sitting in my lap right now. What do you think about that, huh?

The structure is empty. No blue cardigan here. I didn’t think there would be. But across the street, on the other side of that blue glowing line, is another hill.

One without the blue line.

I pass under the streetlight. Its metal bowl swings in the breeze that’s sprung up, and I wonder if the green glass ever falls through the holes and on to the ground. Do emergency green glass crews show up to clean it up and protect the citizens from green glass radiation? Or do the glass shards just lie there on the ground under the streetlight, glinting in the sun and shining under the moon, and no one ever comes and no one ever cares and no one ever cleans up?

I bet they don’t even make waffles here.

I am a person wooo!

I make it to the top of what I really hope is the last hill, and the mushrooms are everywhere.

They crowd around the abandoned houses. They grow in groups around the trees, killing them and feeding on the rot.

The death smell here is intense. Breathing through my mouth doesn’t help, especially not when I think about little particles of deathtouched air swirling around my tongue.

My body wants to fall to its knees. It wants to vomit. Then it wants to run far far away.

But Seth is up ahead. I know it. I feel it in my bones.

I swallow the bile. I think of waffles, of a blue cardigan, of fingers stained with dirt. I think of lips, hard and bruising and then soft. I think of my Seth, and I put one foot in front of the other. Over and over.

that that don't kill me can only make me stronger

Parks are a thing, it seems. Parks and mailboxes. Hmm.

I think the columns with the blue lights are attached to the pipes somehow. Maybe they went underground at the square thing, and I’ve been walking above them. That would explain the strong smell.

I should be nervous or excited or worried, but after walking up all those hills I really just want to sit on that bench. Find a clip of some sort to put on my nose. Put my feet up.

But he is here, and I can’t.

just when I was about to start captioning the previous pic, Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash came on my playlist. Yep.

It starts raining. The drops can’t quite penetrate the fog. It’s like I’m wearing full body rain gear but the gear hates me and is trying to squeeze me to death. Oh well, at least it’s keeping me dry.

He’s chanting and waving a wand around and there are green sparkles in the air. I wonder if he called the rain.

The wand is different. My Seth prefers his elixirs. He says that wand magic is unstable, unpredictable, and that he’d rather work with his hands.

I shiver, and it’s not the rain. I want my Seth.

I listen, trying to hear what this Magic Mushroom Seth is chanting, but I can’t make out the words. But I do hear footsteps.

Footsteps.

Someone else is here, and it sounds like they’re in a hurry.

Magic Mushroom Seth hears the footsteps too. He puts away his wand.

DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!

The footsteps belong to a woman. A woman I don’t recognize. She screams his name. “Seth! Seth!”

Her voice sounds…weird. I can’t put my finger on it, but it feels like…I don’t know. Like I’ve heard it before.  I’m not sure if I like the sound of his name coming from her. Why doesn’t she call him Dr. Morrigan? Why does she get to call him Seth? It feels intimate. It feels wrong. He’s my Seth, not hers.

No, he’s not my Seth. Not my Seth. He’s Magic Mushroom Seth, who stands in the rain and waves a wand around and makes green sparkles and is not my Seth.

Magic Mushroom Seth just stands there, waiting. I watch him for any signals that I recognize.

He’s not interested in her. He’s not happy to see her. I can’t see them, but I don’t believe his green eyes are burning with anything except possibly annoyance.

Good. That dark green fire I see sometimes when he’s looking into my eyes still belongs to me.

haha yes, Sarah, the fire still belongs to you

The woman is not happy with him.

“You can’t do this. I won’t let you do this. Let them go, Seth. Let them go.”

I flinch. She doesn’t know what she’s doing, talking to him like that. He won’t like that.

I wonder if she’s ever bought beetles for him. She would probably buy the right kind. And if she did, but he said she didn’t and he yelled at her, would she yell back?

“I said let them go!”

Yes. Yes, she would.

haha I can see people out there being all this is messed up and bad writing, but really it's that Sarah's mind is messed up

I knew he wouldn’t like that.

“Everything dies, Lilith.”

This Seth’s voice is different. It’s deeper, more gravelly. It’s almost like he’s speaking from deep within the ice cave.

Lilith. Her name is Lilith.

She looks him straight in the eye, and she says, “Not me.”

The truth, Lilith...the truth is that we all burn

He raises his wand, and he replies, “Especially you.”

Would you like to see my garden?

Not my Seth not my Seth not my Seth oh god oh god what is he doing? What is he doing?!

the light of the fire is the light of truth

She looks scared and there’s the green sparkles again but I don’t think he’s just making it rain.

She says, “Don’t do this.” She says, “Please.”

Oh yes, Lilith, we all burn

He says, “You see, Lilith, we all die.”

Is that fire at the end of his wand?!

NOT MY SETH!!! Not my Seth, not my Seth, not my Seth!

And I collect the ashes

The fire explodes from his wand and it hits her full in the chest and I can’t watch but I have to, I have to watch, and I can smell her burning, oh god, no, Seth, Seth, what are you doing?

He says, in a terrible awful voice that I don’t know, that is not my Seth’s voice, “And I collect the bodies.”

You remind me of her

She stands there in the fire, and she’s not scared now. She’s burning but she stands there and she looks at him. She doesn’t scream. She doesn’t panic. She doesn’t even move. She just looks at him, and she burns.

I see her...fear in you

She burns.

Oh god no, not now, don’t go dark now. NO!!!

I kick and I punch and I scream his name, Seth, Seth, and the fog pours down my throat and into my lungs and it burns, I’m burning with her, and I can’t make it stop. It won’t stop.

And then, it stops.

You know what that's like, don't you? To be betrayed by the person you loved the most, the person you thought would always be there?

Fuck.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Moonfall and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

15 Responses to Amanita

  1. I loved everything about this.

    Like

  2. missyhissy says:

    Gosh, I really love reading your updates. You’re one of the most talented writers I know, because I can feel Sarah’s panic when she sees what Seth does!

    Like

    • medleymisty says:

      Awwww, thanks! *hugs you a lot*

      I am going to try to update once a week this month – my little personal version of NaNo. Hopefully it’ll help me get in gear and stop putting off working on this story.

      I am no stranger to anxiety and panic myself, so I just write how I feel when I’m anxious or having panic symptoms there.

      Like

      • missyhissy says:

        It’s often said that you should write about what you know, and I suppose it’s true, to some extent. I tend to write panic and anxiety better too.
        Good luck with your personal NaNo! *hugs back*

        Like

  3. Blu Paws says:

    Yes, Sarah YOUR SETH!! Of course he would have fire at the end of a wand, it gives him that extra flare. And of course he would hurl it at Lilith. He’d hurl it at you too! I’m sorry, that came off insensitive, but I wish Seth could see the lengths Sarah goes for him. She’s enduring crushing fog, steep hills and horrid smells to try and make it right.
    I loved the pictures…and the metaphors about Sarah and Seth…they’re all so beautiful…I can’t. Great update! 🙂

    Like

    • medleymisty says:

      You know what, though? He rolls the wish to cast fire blast at a random person fairly often, but he only ever rolls the wish to cast ice blast at Lilith!!! The day he rolls the wish to cast fire blast at her, I will plaster it all over Tumblr lol.

      Oh no, it wasn’t insensitive at all. Sarah is way way way down that river of denial. You can see the truth breaking through every once in a while, like when she slams the car door or talks about smashing the jar of beetles in his face or at the end of this one when she basically admits that yes, she did buy the right beetles, and she wanted to yell at him.

      But she didn’t. Because she is in complete denial still, and she’s just running right by all those red flags and she’s ignoring her instincts and her gut feelings and oh gosh yes, yell at her all you want.

      We’ll see what happens though now that she’s seen Lilith standing up to him and taking his fire and remaining unbroken and unbowed. We shall see. 😉

      Lunar Lakes really is a pretty town, in its own way. I love those giant mushrooms. And you know my deep and abiding love for metaphor. 😉

      Like

  4. Robin says:

    is that lunar lakes? I really like your story and I’ve never gotten a look at that town before. It really goes with the creepy theme. Poor Sarah. I’m worried for her.

    Like

    • medleymisty says:

      Yes, it’s Lunar Lakes. Awww, thanks! 🙂 It’s a neat town and I like it. And yeah – rule #1 of stories featuring Seth and Sarah is you should always be worried about Sarah. 😉

      Like

  5. kimeleon says:

    Fantastic! Just read from the beginning and I love the story so far! A really creative take on the usual Sim story, I’m usually bored after the first chapter with most stories. But this is really different, I’m looking forward to reading more!!

    Like

    • medleymisty says:

      Awww, thanks! 🙂 I’ve been writing Sims stories since Sims 2 in 2005.

      This story uses the same characters and themes as In the Valley of the Sun, my first Sims 3 story. It’s four years old and I’ve gotten better at both pics and writing, but hey.

      YAY I am all happy that you like it! 🙂 I hope to update soon. Planning on updating Sunday, but we’ll see how it goes.

      Like

  6. marsar2 says:

    Wow, I’ve just finished reading this, and I simply don’t know what to say. Well, no, that’s not correct. I feel like I could say a million different things and none of them would accurately describe how much I loved it :D. Suffice it to say I’m currently addicted to your writing.

    I love how you pick up just a couple of things (the blue cardigan, the waffles…) and build your whole story around them. I also love the idea of parallel universes, it’s really intriguing. And the way you edit your pics adds so smoothly to the story, giving it that eerie, dream-like feeling…

    I’m looking forward for more :D.

    PS: You’ll eventually notice I tend to ramble a lot (I usually struggle with words, but it’s no wonder *rolls eyes*).

    Like

    • medleymisty says:

      *hugs* Thank you a lot yay! 🙂

      I ramble too. I am all for rambling!

      Haha, waffles. More than one person has told me that they don’t look at waffles the same way after reading my work. And Seth’s blue cardigan is rather iconic. I actually have a blue cardigan that I wear sometimes – it’s not exactly like his, but it’s the closest I’ve found yet. I need a red button down to put under it.

      I had hoped to update this today, but that’s not going to happen. Soon though. Soon.

      Like

      • marsar2 says:

        You’re welcome, I meant every word :D.

        And this is slightly off-topic, but I felt I had to tell you. I read in some of the earlier comments that you had had a sour experience in some forum or other. Well, what I wanted to say is the very same thing happened to me once (well, I don’t know the details of what happened to you, of course, but I think I got the gist of it) and it took me a lot of self-hate and healing to finally understand that they had been so mean to me just because, for some reason, they envied me. People can get really nasty when they’re envious. There, end of off-topic, just thought I had to let you know :D.

        By the way, I love your blog, you seem to have some very lively conversations here :D.

        Like

        • medleymisty says:

          Yeah, I think envy had a lot to do with what happened to me too. And I went through the self-hate too, thinking it was something wrong with me.

          Kind of like Sarah here, in a way. Not that Seth envies her or is any way at all like a betraying “friend” or anonymous hater, but there is still some of my experience in hers.

          You are welcome to join in the conversations at any time! 🙂

          Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s